Out of the Darkness of Memory
by Melpomene Rose
Summary: REVISED AND REPOSTED. Kanzaki Hitomi hit the ground with a jarring thud. Luckily, she didn’t feel it. The light had come after her daily injection of Thorazine and Haldol.
1. Fear

Hi kids! Here's the revised first chapter, I really hope you enjoy it. The next chapters are in the midst of revision and should be posted soon.

love it? hate it? let me know!

All Standar Disclaimers Apply  
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_Blue Light_

_It hurts my eyes_

_The jacket is too tight _

_Straight jacket_

_Prison_

_Tumbling in a shower of light_

_Oh god, i hope I can pass through the ceiling!_

_It must be the drugs...the needle in my arm...._

_It hurts now...that bruise on my arm..._

Kanzaki Hitomi hit the ground with a jarring thud. Luckily, she didn't feel it. The light had come after her daily injection of Thorazine and Haldol. It was raining, a cold winter rain, and it cut her to the bone. Her unconscious body shivered in a vain attempt to warm itself. Even insensate, the images that tainted her mind fed on the darkness.

Images of Van and her family vanishing in flames; their screams ringing in her ears. Her body twisted and turned in the rain, the ground becoming mud beneath her. That was why her parents...her _parents_ had committed her to the 'Institute.'

Her nightmares, 'hallucinations,' and her insistence that she had been somewhere else for months when Hitomi had never left the track. Her beloved parents had left her in that hell because they loved her. Because they _loved_ her. No amount of drugs and 'therapy' could erase the fact that Hitomi, the Wing Goddess, had been betrayed. She had tried to steal a spoon from the cafeteria by hiding it in her hair. It had grown long; halfway down her back when they chopped it off and shaved her head. Then the orderlies slapped her around while putting her in the straitjacket.

Her vibrant green eyes were now dull, empty, lost. Hitomi no longer existed, just this fragile shell of a young woman. It looked like Hitomi, it sounded like Hitomi; but the body was just an empty husk. The real Hitomi had died when her parents had left her in that hell. She had tried to end it, more than once. She was almost successful the second time, they kept her drugged so heavily that she couldn't move. They had put in an adult diaper and left her in that room. A cold white place, where dreams went to die.

"Van-sama!! Van-sama! Come back here, it's pouring out there!! Van-Sama? At least take a cloak!" Merle's high pitched voice followed Van out of the castle. Since the early morning he felt that something big was approaching, he just knew it. The day had passed far too slowly, the council meetings had been full of ridiculous propositions. The most absurd of them all was the motion that it was time for him to wed and produce an heir.

Of course he knew what happened between men and women, he wasn't made of stone. There had been a few Ladies he had taken to his bed after a drunken night at various balls and functions. Though his body had been satisfied, his heart was not. Without Hitomi he felt cold and empty, like a wandering vagabond searching for a home. He was ashamed of his weakness, but his body craved what she could not give. They had kept in touch for a few months, but she had suddenly stopped talking. He had tried to contact her, but it seemed that their connection had been severed. He had been heartbroken and shut himself away from the world for months. But soon, he was able to function and become the king his country so desperately needed.

Then the column of light shone down from the Mystic Moon, no sooner had it touched down Van was out the door, onto his horse and into the cold night.

He rode as quickly as the horse could go, praying that the light had brought Hitomi back to him. It seemed like the faster he traveled, the longer the distance became. Lightning flashed and the thunder rolled across the sky, the back stallion spooked and reared. He had barely gotten control of the frightened horse when he found her. All his dreams and hopes crashed down around his feet when he saw her. It was her, even though it didn't look like the girl he knew so well. He slowed the stallion and ran the rest of the way to her. She was unconscious, but that wasn't what shocked him the most.

Hitomi's appearance was markedly different. She was as pale as bone china, dark circles under her eyes made her seem younger than she was. She had been slender before, but now she was naught but skin and bone. But that wasn't what shocked Van the most. Her beautiful light brown hair was gone. Hair shaved. He could see every bump and curvature of her skull. Van stifled a curse as he gathered her into his arms, she was shivering. She thrashed about as if trying to escape the confines of his embrace. She whimpered quietly and burrowed into him, resting her head on his chest. Van stood up slowly, so as not to startle her. He stood there, looking down at the small body cradled in his arms. She made a noise as if she were a scared rabbit and her eyes opened. Terrified, Hitomi's green eyes shone in the wan moonlight. She looked up into his eyes..._his eyes.._.Van's eyes..._Van...pain, FIRE!_

"B-b-but the doctors said y-you aren't r-real!!" Hitomi whispered as her green eyes rolled back and Van lost her to unconsciousness.


	2. Anguish

Hi kids! Here's the newly revised chapter 2, I really hope you enjoy it...and review. Reviews make my world go 'round, so even if you hate it lemme know.  
All Standard Disclimers Apply

Out of the Darkness of Memory, chapter 2  
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Merle was there when Van brought the frail corpse that had been Kanzaki Hitomi back to the castle. At least, she thought it was the corpse. Van gave her a piercing look and she ran to get Millerna. She couldn't believe that Hitomi had returned, and in such a dire condition. The young catgirl burst through the doorway into Millerna's study, though her breath was gone, she managed to choke out a single word.

"H-H-Hitomi..." Millerna's blue eyes widened and a not a moment went by, she was running down the hallway. Van managed to carry Hitomi's unconscious body to his suite of rooms. He felt exhausted, his arms were leaden and he felt he could carry her no further. She was so light, though she had always been slender, now she was emaciated. She was shivering so much, the very air surrounding her seemed to quake. There's no other way to warm her up efficiently, Van reasoned, blankets alone won't do. He carefully unbuckled the strange restraining waistcoat and eased it down her meager arms. Underneath, she wore a coarse shift of some sort, his hands trembled as he gently disrobed her. His breeches had stayed dry under the oil cloth cloak, and he stripped off his woolen tunic. The young king turned down the bed quickly and placed his lady in the center of the featherbed. He cautioned a look at her nearly bare body. Her pelvic bones jutted out painfully and her ribs stuck out in sharp relief against the paleness of her skin. He was shocked to see fresh bruises and the sickly yellow of older ones dotting her stomach and arms. He gently ran his fingers over the stubble that had been her hair as Merle and Millerna burst in.

"Van! What happened...?" Millerna rushed over to Hitomi's nude body and her words left her as she saw the pain in Van's eyes. She closed her eyes a moment to compose herself and reached over to check the unconscious girl's pulse. "She's alive!" She whispered and turned to Merle. "get me some hot water and clean cloths! Send Mary for hot tea and some broth."

"Of course, Millerna!" Merle's eyes were worried, even though she kept her surface calm and collected.

By that time, Van had already eased Hitomi under the coverlet and tucked her bare head into the hollow of his shoulder. He was very worried. Her shivering had not abated and she had begun to whimper and thrash about.

"No.....please....n-n-n-o...stop it...help me.....Van....help...m..e..." Though bearly audible, the pain and anguish in her voice was almost palpable. Tears ran down her deathly pale cheeks, mixing with the sweat of fever. Van looked at Millerna, his eyes asking a question.

"Van, I don't know what they've done to her, look at her wrists, I noticed the scars when I took her pulse," she spoke quietly, trying to leave Hitomi undisturbed. Van raised his eyebrows and gently picked up one of Hitomi's hands. she flinched, even in her sleep, she flinched at his touch... Pale knotted scars crisscrossed the delicate skin of her wrist; they spoke of deep cuts and torment. His eyes became cloudy and it was then Van knew he was crying. He looked up at Millerna, the anguish obvious in the trouled depth of his auburn eyes.

"Oh Millerna, she's so...she's so..hurt.." He trailed off, fairly leaping off the bed to find someplace he could be alone.

It seemed like the hallsways of the castle were never ending as he ran through, on his way to the roof. He felt caged, suffocated by his grief. Van finally made it to the parapet and stood on the edge, letting the rain and wind wash him clean. His mind was racing, everytime he blinked he saw her pale emaciated figure. Now the link they shared was renewed, her feelings and pain engulfed him and he sank to his knees. Tears fell freely from his eyes, mixing with the rain. Memories of the war flooded his senses..._why!?_ He thought as the images roiled through his mind, the stench of flame and blood assaulted his nostrils. _A vision...? _Van never had visions, he only saw things in his dreams. It never occured to him that Hitomi was in the midst of a vision. Their link had never been like that. But then, they were older now and the link must have matured as well. He saw himself, twisting in agony as flames licked at his silvery wings. Then he felt the pain, unbearable heat, he was on fire. The young king let loose and anguished scream before the dark closed in and everything was smothered in the velvety darkness.


	3. Emptiness

Here is the revised third chapter, I really hope you enjoy it. I got a little sick of the first version, so I fleshed it out and made it better. Thanks for reading! I really appreciate it.

love it? hate it? review anyway.

All Standard Disclaimers Apply  
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Colors. Heat. Light. PAIN! Hitomi whimpered in her tourtured slumber. She twisted her frail body as if to escape ethereal bonds. The thorazine pumped through her veins, her eyes had opened briefly to see his concerned face. Him. He. Van...

Since her return to her world, life had become anguish. Hitomi could tell no one of her adventures, she withdrew from everything. After awhile she had even given up running, the only thing that had given her joy before her adventure on Gaea. Soon after that, the cutting started. At first it was easy for her to explain away, since everyone knew how clumsy she was.

"I slipped when I was shaving, silly me!" She would say, accompanying the lie with a cheerful smile. How she hated herself then, how she hated herself. She stopped eating, forcing herself to merely survive. After her return, everyone noticed how she had changed. Hitomi was no longer vibrant or charismatic, she was wan and pale. A silent shadow of her former self. Yukari cried to Amano, who stayed in Japan to finish school and attend university. It was she who saw through Hitomi's gossamerthin lies.

"Amano-chan, she's sick! Something happened to her while she was missing, I just know it..." Yukari shoved her heavy auburn hair behind her ear as she huddled close to her boyfriend on the park bench. She knew Hitomi was hurt by her relationship with Amano, that she felt excluded and uncomfortable. She sighed and closed her eyes in frustration. "She doesn't talk to me, or to anyone! It's almost summer and she refuses to wear her short sleeved uniform.." Yukari trailed off, tears filling her eyes. "I saw the cuts," she cried into Amano's shoulder as if clinging to him would help bring the old Hitomi back.

Hitomi watched them from the trees, her heart breaking. She felt loathsome, hurting Yukari and Amano; her best friends. Her eyes darkened, the dull emerald green turning an undecribable shade. All she caused was pain and trouble. If only you knew... She thought to herself before turning away and dashing the tears from her eyes. The walk home was long but it passed quickly for Hitomi was deep in thought. She knew what she needed to do, to make everything all right again. She had to go away again, for good. Van and Gaea were unreachable, vivid memories. Bright memories. They stood out against the dark veneer of her unreachable depression. If her parents were home more, they might have noticed. Unfortunately, pressure of being a surgeon and mother of two, providing a home that wanted for nothing was too much for Kanzaki Makiko. She made sure Hitomi and Mamouru had everything they wanted, while she spent long days and evenings at work. Her father Daichi was a corporate lawyer, and was rarely home. He was called away at every hour of the day or night, to take a depostion or provide legal counsel. They never noticed that she barely ate, never noticed the blood in the bathtub, never noticed their daughter's empty eyes.

Once Hitomi reached the safety of her room, she gazed at the snowy white feather, tiwsting it around in her fingers. She set it down to wipe the tears from her eyes as she signed her name to the letter. The pen was set down, the feather picked up once again.

_I love you Van..._

Hitomi gently, almost reverently picked up the straight razor blade she had purchased at the art supply store. Slowly and carefully she drew it across her left wrist, cutting deeply along the vein in her left wrist. She had calculated the best way to achieve her goal. Cutting not straight across her wrists, like everyone who tried and failed did. Instead she cut deeply, opening up the vein from the midpoint of her forearm to her wrist lengthewise. More vein spilling more blood more quickly. She closed her eyes, her light eyebrows drawing together in a cruel parody of a child's concentraion. She exhaled before opening her eyes to survey her damage. It was hard to get a steady hold on the blade, the blood running down her arm made it slippery. She cut deeply into her right arm, not cleanly or regularly like the cut in her left. She had to stop and grip the blade tighter before she could finish. The pain was almost glorious. The feeling. Oh the feeling of it! She picked up the feather and brought it shakily to her lips, kissing it almost. Her vision began to cloud and she began to sway. Her eyes closed and Hitomi sank to the floor of her room. She was unconcious before she hit the carpet, before she saw Van's feather desecrated with her blood.

It was her mother who had found her. She was bearly breathing and was more pale than she had been when her heart had stopped during the vision of the doppleganger. After calling the ambulence, Kanzaki Makiko held the almost lifeless form of her daughter to her breast. She clasped her hands around Hitomi's frail wrists, trying with all her will and being to staunch the flow of blood as is flowed. She didn't notice the feather at all. or even the note until Hitomi was at the hospital recieving blood and out of immediate danger. Her heart shattered as she read the letter as she sat by her daughter's bedside in the intensive care unit.

Dear You,

If you are reading this, that means I've succeeded. I've caused too much pain and heartache to you all. More than I can bear. I want you to know how hard I tried. Tried to be the best friend, best runner, best student, best daughter, best sister I could. You deserved more from life than to have to deal with me. Constantly reassuring me that I was okay and that things would get better, when even I knew that they wouldn't.

Yukari- I knew you loved Amano-san before you did, you supported me even though you were going against your own heart. I saw how much it broke your heart, how much anguish it caused you to see me run that 100 meters to win the kiss. I caused you pain, when I disapeared, when i came back....now. I love you, Yukari-chan, you were the best friend that could ever be. I'm sorry I let you down...

Mom-Don't blame yourself. You've had to work so hard to support Mamouru and I since Dad left. I remember how you used to cry when I came back, late at night when you thought I was asleep. When you thought you were silent. I love you. I know this won't be easy on you, but it's for the best. Now you don't have to worry about me, or try to get afternoons off to come see me run. I never felt angry when you couldn't make it, i always understood. I love you so much, Mom. I wish I could have told you where I'd gone, tell you what happened, but I couldn't. i couldn't bear to have you worry more about me.

Mamouru- I love you, BoogerFace. No matter what you do, or where you go in life, I'll be looking out for you and smiling. Just remember that I love you, little brother. Put your heart into everything you do, you will get hurt sometimes, but you have to keep going. If you give your all, things will work out.

I love you all, please don't cry, please don't be sad. Just remember that I'm with you always. i'm sorry I'm so weak, that I couldn't handle my life. That I gave up. I couldn't try any harder anymore.

Kanzaki Hitomi...

And that was how Kanzaki Hitomi came to be at the Institute of Modern Mental Healthcare.


End file.
